At the foot of the Cross

Now I can trade these ashes into beauty, and wear forgiveness like a crown.

I really love this song by Kathryn Scott. The lyrics so aptly described the predicament I was in. Now, I feel so free and happy. That’s one thing in life that you can never truly explain to someone- the peace, joy and freedom after having God work in your life and taking away all your frustrations.

I doubt that we can ever understand the immensity of God’s love or something closer to our heart, our parents’ love. Even if we know how much they’ve gone through, we can never trully empathise it because we only see 10% of their effort when their hardwork had begun so long ago. But even so, I think that we’ll be so touched that we would ask ourselves: ‘who are we to deserve this?’ Now, that is the power of love.

I wanna thank God for sending my friend as an angel to me during the times of despair. Even though our meeting was short (less than 24 hours), her presence has touched me immensely as God spoke through her to free me from my resentment and bitterness. It’s amazing how the root of the dissent can be so unfelt- my disappointment in God for closing the door though I said that I would not hold it against Him. Alas, we are all humans. Contrary to belief, it’s not like a intense in-the-nutshell kind of prayer, it was more of small conversations here and there and it just came out like the burst of floodgates. And so, no more of the unhappiness and discontentment of 1 year plus, it’s all gone! Whee!

So, how now from here? I’m resolute in continuing my education in Melbourne in a major in Marketing and Management. I am determined to do the best that I can here, be it a job or whatever responsibilities that I’ll be taking. I would really want to make the best of my time here and be the best I can be. Of course, there are always dreams of travelling overseas, either leisure or for an exchange, that would be my driving point.

I feel so rich, not materialistically, but spiritually and socially, knowing that at the end of the day, I have so many friends whom I can fall back on. Many people said that families are always more important than friends, but I stand firm believing that friends are the family you choose, because they see you for who you are. Anyway, I am thankful and grateful for God’s great love!

I’m laying every burden down…

If only I could…

Turn back time.

I never thought that there would be one day that I would actually feel so much regret to the point where it keeps consuming me and chiding me for my gluttony and folly. I always thought that as long as we see every mistake as a learning point, there’s nothing much to regret about. Crooked paths will straighten out eventually. From my point of view, at where I am standing, it does not seem so.

The grass is always greener on the other side, so they say. I had already foresaw this situation- fear of idleness, deja vu. Yet, I still chose to take the risk because maybe, it is not as I thought; maybe, I’m just scaring myself. However, with one challenge piling up onto another with no way out, what have I gotten myself into?

I have missed a few golden opportunities to be actively involved in clubs. For once, just feel God slamming the door so hardly in my face at such a close proximity… for the very first time. I have no idea where to turn to. Just feel so discouraged and unmotivated to struggle and fight harder. Yet, it’s all about choices- we choose the life we live. But food for thought, is it worth fighting for the sake of it without fully embracing the cause? Just the hope that maybe, if I just take some actions rather than brooding around, maybe, there’ll be a change? I’m just so afraid of losing all my glory days in uni as I remain a half-polished jewel. My greatest fear now, is to become a potential unfulfilled. What would be my purpose on earth then?

I already knew that with most people we meet, our paths only cross once and once only. Thereafter, we lead individual lives and it’s hard to chase back the times that we were so happy together. With some, it is just hard to shake them off. However, what if we meet our soul mate and we missed the chance to spend more time together? Are our souls to be so tormented from the separation?

I guess my attempts in wanting to reunite with my brother and bridging connections seems to be ineffective since it seems that I am the only one with such an intention. Being free-spirited and quick to speak, I am not one who is accustomed to oppression and unwarranted orders. Perhaps because I possess an overbearing nature too, hence the clash. The lack of respect is also beginning to irk me too- chauvinism just doesn’t work a strong-willed female like me.

I just feel that I can never forgive myself for my blunder and fickle-mindedness. Alas, this is not a dream, nor can I turn back time. I will have to live in this life until I step out of its shadows in the next 2.5 years. No alternatives, no turning back, no waking up from a bad dream and having a fresh choice (man, how I wish I have Adam Sandler’s remote control right now).

From another point of view, perhaps I’m too ambitious and I want to compete in a field where I am at the edge of the elites. I am to blame for being so greedy- to want to come to a city with more opportunities and greater competition to gain a footage. Yet, I’ve been eliminated before any competition began. With no achievements in hand, with no current relationships that I am involved in reaching out, I just feel my sense of pride and sense of confidence slipping by me. What would I be made of then?

They said that in God, I am made perfect; He doesn’t care what I bring, as long as I just come home running. Yet, I feel so ashamed, because I am not making the full use of the tools that He has placed in my hands. I remain purposeless and when it comes to judgement day and He asked: ’so what have you done?’, I could only be befuddled and speechless at my idleness.

Matter of the Heart

The reason why this space has been so quiet for almost 2 months is not because I’m really busy, but rather, I lack the courage to express the emotional truth in what I am feeling daily. Filling up the blog spaces with entries are not a hard task actually. I have lots of facts to write on, like how interesting my trip to wherever was or how well I am settling down here. However, I think that it would truly defeat the purpose of blogging, wouldn’t it?

I revamped my blog with the intention of tracking my growth in my spiritual journey. Obviously, the lack of posts would indicate limited sharing and hence implying the lack of growth. I wouldn’t say that I am not growing, but as compared to the years before when I was active, it is as good as zero growth.

I think that it takes lots of courage to truly put this all out right here, right now. Who knows, I may password lock this post, to the irony of most, is equivalent to writing to myself since very few people know the password and they hardly read my blog. However, I guess it doesn’t make much of a difference since the blogging trend has since died and with this space quiet for 2 months, it does put off many readers. So sorry to the two loyal readers that I know- this is one honest and long one for you.

Though before you click the word there, I would advise you to make sure that you have at least 20 minutes or more to spare to read and digest through whatever you are about to read. It’s not written for a casual glance. You’ve been warned!

Protected: Beware of the fiery dragon

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Part 1: Gratitude

If you were wondering why this site has been rather quiet for the last one month or so, it’s not because I have lost my passion for blogging; working is not even an excuse, but rather, there are so many things that I felt at that certain point in time, and it is so inconvenient that there is no computer at the immediate vicinity to allow me to type out my thoughts… Ok, so it still sounds like an excuse.

Firstly, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I think we all do hope that 2008 will be a great year ahead! (Who wishes a year to be bad anyway?) Personally, I really hope that 2008 will be a great year, especially having a not so good 2007 of which I can distinctively remember the low points and not many of the high points, if there were any.

Since I have not blogged for ages, please bear with me for this super long post. It is in replacement of a very long email and for anyone who is interested to past their time by getting to know my more to read. Be warned- not for those who are in a hurry!

Caged

They feed us and clothe us,
Provide a roof over our heads and money for us to spend.
This is love, or so they think-
The provision of materialistic comfort, love.

They don’t want us to wander too far off,
Fearing that they would lose the one thing they think they know,
Truth is, they do not know us, not at all.
What of us do they know that does not involve figures?

A relationship goes way beyond the things that we see.
It takes time, courage, trust;
And a whole lot of other intangible, unmeasurable things.
What of us are they holding onto?

How many sweet memories do we share?
How often do we look at each other in the eye?
Do we even listen to each other?
When did they last notice us?

*****

Apparently, we all have a sad story to tell. A story of family restrictions and the absurdity of keeping us physically near without much emotional commitments. Can our parents just take a look us right in the eye? I cannot remember the last time my family and I spent time doing something fun that does not involve spending money. All the holidays I went out to was all about individual activities. What happened to the beach or kite-flying? What happened to all those leisurely, take-a-walk-in-the-park kind of activities?

This is my greatest annoyance, yet, is not unique to me alone. Honestly, I have come to realised the importance about seeing someone, acknowledging their presence, lest we let time pass not knowing what happened to us at that particular moment. It has nothing to do with a poor memory, it just has to do with our eye, not registering it because it was not a focus.

The only thing I can remember about my older brother was how strict he is and how serious and in a way, wooden. I never came to know him as well as his friends did- his fun-loving nature, his capabilities. I knew none of that. I know that I admire him a lot, to the point where I am drawn to guys who have his stoic nature. But seriously, what do I know about him? I cannot remember any memories shared with him, it is nothing but a blank and lots of reverence, because of his seniority. Other than the same blood running through our veins, there is lacking of affection between us that could truly call us siblings.

What then, is our family relationship made of? I cried after the stimulation of ‘the end of the world’ because I realised that there was nothing between me and my family. I would cry out of passion even more if my close friends were gone, but what about my family? Is it just mere obligations? That is the irony of living in a conservative, collective Asian family- we may be united physically, but our hearts drift far from the truth.

One day, I will fly away and until I come to realise the importance of this family (that goes beyond financial dependence), I shall not return.

Work work..

It is my first week at work and I must thank God that I have it easy. One, being that it’s a small company, hence the setting is rather informal; Two, I have known the staff for quite some time so communication is not a problem. So far, I’m quite glad that I’m working, lest I face the computer 24/7, which totally sucks…

Anyway, it seems rather quiet now that most of my friends are all over the world. The friends I used to hang out with are now having great fun at the northern hemisphere. Furthermore, one thing I realised is that I won’t be seeing them for the next 3 years since our holidays don’t clash

I guess, before we know it, life just passes us by as we change…

Room for Lease

One bedroom for lease in Parkville, Melbourne.

- 10 mins walk away from tram. 15 mins tram ride to city.
- Nice quiet environment.
- Kind and considerate house mates.

Interested? Please leave your contact details at the comment’s area.