Matter of the Heart
The reason why this space has been so quiet for almost 2 months is not because I’m really busy, but rather, I lack the courage to express the emotional truth in what I am feeling daily. Filling up the blog spaces with entries are not a hard task actually. I have lots of facts to write on, like how interesting my trip to wherever was or how well I am settling down here. However, I think that it would truly defeat the purpose of blogging, wouldn’t it?
I revamped my blog with the intention of tracking my growth in my spiritual journey. Obviously, the lack of posts would indicate limited sharing and hence implying the lack of growth. I wouldn’t say that I am not growing, but as compared to the years before when I was active, it is as good as zero growth.
I think that it takes lots of courage to truly put this all out right here, right now. Who knows, I may password lock this post, to the irony of most, is equivalent to writing to myself since very few people know the password and they hardly read my blog. However, I guess it doesn’t make much of a difference since the blogging trend has since died and with this space quiet for 2 months, it does put off many readers. So sorry to the two loyal readers that I know- this is one honest and long one for you.
Though before you click the word there, I would advise you to make sure that you have at least 20 minutes or more to spare to read and digest through whatever you are about to read. It’s not written for a casual glance. You’ve been warned!
Now, the real deal. I really don’t know how much to write hear because I do not know how much I want to reveal, but here goes.
Life after JC has been a downhill ride ever since I graduated. Of course, there are definitely some ups, but it does not hit as high as those times in college. I truly truly would love to return to those times where subconsciously, I knew that I was living with a purpose and in a plan that God has created for me that no matter what choices I made, it was within the boundaries of the path I was led to. I was attending a great church where I was so inspired by the passion that all the leaders had for Christ Jesus- it motivated me and encouraged me to keep the faith and fight the good fight. Of all my years as a Christian, I embraced church life, fellowship group and everything the most at that point in time. I wouldn’t say the fullest, no, because I was still not fully committed, but it was the most. Bottom line, I was fulfilled.
Then, two years down the road, having changed courses and university and attended a few other churches without feeling a sense of belonging, I honestly admit that I feel lost. Thank God that I am able to adapt here immediately after I transferred, like I’m always meant to be here, but that does not mean that the insides of me are screaming: ‘take me home take me home!’- home to at least where I know where I am headed to and what I am doing. I think that the question I need to address here is whether I ever regretted transferring- it’s hard to tell, since life back then was just starting and then I left. Whereas over here, I am having the opportunity to be exposed to many more cultural events and social activities and I guess that there’s always an unmeasurable trade-off in whatever decisions we make. Though that does not mean that I do not miss those days when I was there, the friends that I have left behind and the privilege of being in a well-equipped campus.
I am staying with my brother, of which, I roll my eyes at every envious comment. One thing about staying with family is that it does no good to my confidence- they will always treat me like I am an ignorant kid who know nonsense about stuff. There is also the lack of trust and high unrealistic expectations to meet that is just so stressful and suffocating. I miss the times where I have friends and we had the liberty of doing things that we like and exploring boundaries without judgement and laugh at all the stupid mistakes that we made. Yet, I made the decision to move partially to absolve my own expectations of having the family to spend more time together before having everyone being all separated to different parts of the world. Keeping in touch is never a strong point in my family. So now, I would have to bear with all the consequences, the good and the bad, since I have made this choice.
Ever since uni started, I have been so anxious on three things- 1. finding a church that I can be grounded to; 2. having good grades in uni; 3. be actively involved in a club in uni. As of now, despite the measures I have taken, congratulations, I have failed to settle any of these issues.
I am still church-hopping, feeling so doubtful and lost because of my high expectations- I don’t want just any church, I want to be in a church where I can find a family whom can support me and whom I can contribute to. In which I will be a member rather than a number. And most importantly, it’s where I finally dare to rip myself into pieces and open myself to be vulnerable and I would rather do it in front of people I know. Contrary to believe, I do cry, I do bleed, I am still a freaking woman who needs that strength and support from the rest of the world. I don’t want the fellowships where friendship is what is holding us together and going to church is just something that we happen to share in common. I want something more solid, more of a shared burning passion for God so that we can grow and encourage each other in this time where the world tends to lead us astray.
Having good grades in uni and being active in uni are just aims that are part and parcel of my ambitious nature. However, apparently, that is also becoming an issue since it is not as easy as it seems to get good grades here, with the subjects that I am taking (of which i don’t have the most passion in) and also that I am apparently, the only one that I know who seems to be kiasu enough to be far-sighted to be attending all the intimidating corporate events and applying for random positions in clubs. Again, you can say that my insecurities are derived from the fact that I am basing my confidence on how the world sees me, but then again, I am human. I wouldn’t mind doing this alone but it’d be great to have a tidbit of company.
Would I consider this as ranting, probably yes, but I think the key problem is that I am just so tired and frustrated about being alone. Well, it is my fault for having left the church that God has so happily led me to and I have so happily settled and grow for the year plus. It is my bad for not insisting to the end even when I have prayed and knew exactly what I was suppose to be doing at this point in time. Most importantly, I think for the first time in my life, I am beginning to realise that there needs to be a change in my life and yet, I am still stuck in my previous way of life that is not working for the situation that I am in. I do hope that I don’t sound ungrateful in this post. I am thankful for God’s faithfulness in my life, but I think that I ought to stop and look since I have currentlyno idea where this ship is headed to.
I am becoming, increasingly cynical and pessimistic that close friends will not usually be associate my personality with. Am I truly becoming the worse as the world is beginning to rub its perspective in me?
And since we’re at this point of being cynical, there’s always this option of blaming the world for stealing my friends away as I feel that we are not keeping in touch with them as often as we would want to. But as of this year, I realised that the desire for me to keep that connection, that friendship alive, is dying within me as well. In my circumstance, I can just happily settle with a very unmemorable uni life since it merely contains studies, random activities and random acquaintances that I meet but can never remember their names.
Of course, there’s always the option to fight. But today, I decide to not be so perfect and strong for once and let the encouragement flow in. I am not wanting sympathy, just knowledge that I still have people caring for me. As thick-skinned as it may sound, I think that everyone needs that once in a while. After all, the great thing about falling is so you know who’s at the end of the line to catch you, isn’t it?
