If only I could…
Turn back time.
I never thought that there would be one day that I would actually feel so much regret to the point where it keeps consuming me and chiding me for my gluttony and folly. I always thought that as long as we see every mistake as a learning point, there’s nothing much to regret about. Crooked paths will straighten out eventually. From my point of view, at where I am standing, it does not seem so.
The grass is always greener on the other side, so they say. I had already foresaw this situation- fear of idleness, deja vu. Yet, I still chose to take the risk because maybe, it is not as I thought; maybe, I’m just scaring myself. However, with one challenge piling up onto another with no way out, what have I gotten myself into?
I have missed a few golden opportunities to be actively involved in clubs. For once, just feel God slamming the door so hardly in my face at such a close proximity… for the very first time. I have no idea where to turn to. Just feel so discouraged and unmotivated to struggle and fight harder. Yet, it’s all about choices- we choose the life we live. But food for thought, is it worth fighting for the sake of it without fully embracing the cause? Just the hope that maybe, if I just take some actions rather than brooding around, maybe, there’ll be a change? I’m just so afraid of losing all my glory days in uni as I remain a half-polished jewel. My greatest fear now, is to become a potential unfulfilled. What would be my purpose on earth then?
I already knew that with most people we meet, our paths only cross once and once only. Thereafter, we lead individual lives and it’s hard to chase back the times that we were so happy together. With some, it is just hard to shake them off. However, what if we meet our soul mate and we missed the chance to spend more time together? Are our souls to be so tormented from the separation?
I guess my attempts in wanting to reunite with my brother and bridging connections seems to be ineffective since it seems that I am the only one with such an intention. Being free-spirited and quick to speak, I am not one who is accustomed to oppression and unwarranted orders. Perhaps because I possess an overbearing nature too, hence the clash. The lack of respect is also beginning to irk me too- chauvinism just doesn’t work a strong-willed female like me.
I just feel that I can never forgive myself for my blunder and fickle-mindedness. Alas, this is not a dream, nor can I turn back time. I will have to live in this life until I step out of its shadows in the next 2.5 years. No alternatives, no turning back, no waking up from a bad dream and having a fresh choice (man, how I wish I have Adam Sandler’s remote control right now).
From another point of view, perhaps I’m too ambitious and I want to compete in a field where I am at the edge of the elites. I am to blame for being so greedy- to want to come to a city with more opportunities and greater competition to gain a footage. Yet, I’ve been eliminated before any competition began. With no achievements in hand, with no current relationships that I am involved in reaching out, I just feel my sense of pride and sense of confidence slipping by me. What would I be made of then?
They said that in God, I am made perfect; He doesn’t care what I bring, as long as I just come home running. Yet, I feel so ashamed, because I am not making the full use of the tools that He has placed in my hands. I remain purposeless and when it comes to judgement day and He asked: ’so what have you done?’, I could only be befuddled and speechless at my idleness.
