Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,
And lifted me beyond my failing,
Into Your glory,
My sin and shame dissolved,
And now forever Yours I’ll stand.

In love never to end,
To call You more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

So I throw my life upon all You are,
‘Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance
with You,
Where the love lasts forever.

*****

As I walked back in the drizzling rain today, I suddenly remembered why I believe in God. At 6.30pm today, where I felt that my life had sunk right to the bottom, where I felt nothing by abandonment and loneliness, all I could turn to was God for peace and love. At that point when I felt as if the whole world had abandoned me, Christ was my hope and my sole companion.

Naturally, there were many questions that followed: was Christ really enough for me to live a contented life in this world? I have concluded that it is not, because we still need relationships with people to survive, and it depends on how important Christ is in our lives. My conclusion, He is very important, because as a nomad, having drifted from one place to another, He is my one constant, and the one friend who really truly reached out to me in times of despair and need.

Not that I can blame others for neglecting me. I have somehow, built a wall around myself- I don’t express my emotions simply. I usually keep them buried and would rather pre-occupy myself with other things to forget that awful feeling than to talk about it. And without breaking that wall, it is hard to bring any friendship to another level. I am afraid of emotional commitment, which is why most of my friendships are very superficial. Throw in uni’s demanding schedule and unfriendly social environment, it drifts friendships further. Also, I run. I runaway from any possible emotional commitment to the opposite sex. Because right now, honestly, it would be nice to just breakdown, cry and hug someone till the sadness all goes away, but no, in all dignity and sensibility, I am not a damsel in distress.

Yet, there’s only one person that I feel comfortable in approaching and telling how I feel because she has seen me in my best and worst state, and because she understands. In all my complicated, unclear expressions, she understands.

I have finally come to terms with that one thing that I really want in life- to live a simple happy life with my soul mate, to be loved by that one person and knowing that I have fulfilled the purpose my existence. Anything and everything else is a bonus. That is my mission in life- to love and be loved in return.

Till then, I will just soak myself in God’s peace and know that in all quietness, I am not alone, for God is there to fill my heart with peace and love, and that I am not alone, even at my darkest moments.

I am writing this because I do not have anyone specific person that I would direct it to. I am just inviting you to slowly, walk into my world and slowly breakdown these walls…

*****
And forever I will sing,
Lord forever I will sing,
Of how You gave Your life away,
Just to save me, Lord You saved me.

With You, where the love lasts forever.

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

*****
Today, I think that God has started to work something in my heart.
Today, life just seems different from any other normal day.
Today, I would like to see life in a whole new way.

Human memory may be short, but for every smile and every tear, for everyone who has made my day, I just want to be grateful for all these small, but significant life-changing moments.

If you want to
I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

*****

I believe that we were not born into this world alone. No matter how much you are surrounded and loved by your friends and family, at the end of the day, only one person matters most. We were born in this world destined to find our other half and spend the rest of our lives growing with them.

Sigh, why am I such a hopeless romantic?

Remember those walls I built
Well Baby they are turning down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

*****

I have never been in a place long enough to let people know me well enough. Sure I have friends whom I’ve known for a decade, but we’ve led very separate lives and still keep in touch. I have not walked a path with someone long enough to have created a sense of camaradarie.

I’ve always been all over the place, ironically, trying to search for a place where I feel belonged. Yet, never found total satisfaction, probably because I’m overly demanding. Or perhaps, of my great urgency focus on completing the task rather than leisurely with a group of people… Am I always in a rush?

As a result, it’s hard to find people who can fully understand why I am who I am- the maturity, the anticipation, it’s my sense of independence, and perhaps, that is how my walls were built.

It just seems that I’m so afraid for people to come close. Why?

*****

I wish I can see your halo…

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

*****

If I were a boy, I can have almost all the freedom that I want, go where I want to go, explore the four corners of the world without having my parents worried that I’ll be raped and murdered.

If I were a boy, I can have the courage to woo the person that I like, rather than just sitting by waiting for the right person to come by.

If I were a boy, I can be more certain of the path that I would be going and chase it like no tomorrow.

If I were a boy…

Now I can trade these ashes into beauty, and wear forgiveness like a crown.

I really love this song by Kathryn Scott. The lyrics so aptly described the predicament I was in. Now, I feel so free and happy. That’s one thing in life that you can never truly explain to someone- the peace, joy and freedom after having God work in your life and taking away all your frustrations.

I doubt that we can ever understand the immensity of God’s love or something closer to our heart, our parents’ love. Even if we know how much they’ve gone through, we can never trully empathise it because we only see 10% of their effort when their hardwork had begun so long ago. But even so, I think that we’ll be so touched that we would ask ourselves: ‘who are we to deserve this?’ Now, that is the power of love.

I wanna thank God for sending my friend as an angel to me during the times of despair. Even though our meeting was short (less than 24 hours), her presence has touched me immensely as God spoke through her to free me from my resentment and bitterness. It’s amazing how the root of the dissent can be so unfelt- my disappointment in God for closing the door though I said that I would not hold it against Him. Alas, we are all humans. Contrary to belief, it’s not like a intense in-the-nutshell kind of prayer, it was more of small conversations here and there and it just came out like the burst of floodgates. And so, no more of the unhappiness and discontentment of 1 year plus, it’s all gone! Whee!

So, how now from here? I’m resolute in continuing my education in Melbourne in a major in Marketing and Management. I am determined to do the best that I can here, be it a job or whatever responsibilities that I’ll be taking. I would really want to make the best of my time here and be the best I can be. Of course, there are always dreams of travelling overseas, either leisure or for an exchange, that would be my driving point.

I feel so rich, not materialistically, but spiritually and socially, knowing that at the end of the day, I have so many friends whom I can fall back on. Many people said that families are always more important than friends, but I stand firm believing that friends are the family you choose, because they see you for who you are. Anyway, I am thankful and grateful for God’s great love!

I’m laying every burden down…

Turn back time.

I never thought that there would be one day that I would actually feel so much regret to the point where it keeps consuming me and chiding me for my gluttony and folly. I always thought that as long as we see every mistake as a learning point, there’s nothing much to regret about. Crooked paths will straighten out eventually. From my point of view, at where I am standing, it does not seem so.

The grass is always greener on the other side, so they say. I had already foresaw this situation- fear of idleness, deja vu. Yet, I still chose to take the risk because maybe, it is not as I thought; maybe, I’m just scaring myself. However, with one challenge piling up onto another with no way out, what have I gotten myself into?

I have missed a few golden opportunities to be actively involved in clubs. For once, just feel God slamming the door so hardly in my face at such a close proximity… for the very first time. I have no idea where to turn to. Just feel so discouraged and unmotivated to struggle and fight harder. Yet, it’s all about choices- we choose the life we live. But food for thought, is it worth fighting for the sake of it without fully embracing the cause? Just the hope that maybe, if I just take some actions rather than brooding around, maybe, there’ll be a change? I’m just so afraid of losing all my glory days in uni as I remain a half-polished jewel. My greatest fear now, is to become a potential unfulfilled. What would be my purpose on earth then?

I already knew that with most people we meet, our paths only cross once and once only. Thereafter, we lead individual lives and it’s hard to chase back the times that we were so happy together. With some, it is just hard to shake them off. However, what if we meet our soul mate and we missed the chance to spend more time together? Are our souls to be so tormented from the separation?

I guess my attempts in wanting to reunite with my brother and bridging connections seems to be ineffective since it seems that I am the only one with such an intention. Being free-spirited and quick to speak, I am not one who is accustomed to oppression and unwarranted orders. Perhaps because I possess an overbearing nature too, hence the clash. The lack of respect is also beginning to irk me too- chauvinism just doesn’t work a strong-willed female like me.

I just feel that I can never forgive myself for my blunder and fickle-mindedness. Alas, this is not a dream, nor can I turn back time. I will have to live in this life until I step out of its shadows in the next 2.5 years. No alternatives, no turning back, no waking up from a bad dream and having a fresh choice (man, how I wish I have Adam Sandler’s remote control right now).

From another point of view, perhaps I’m too ambitious and I want to compete in a field where I am at the edge of the elites. I am to blame for being so greedy- to want to come to a city with more opportunities and greater competition to gain a footage. Yet, I’ve been eliminated before any competition began. With no achievements in hand, with no current relationships that I am involved in reaching out, I just feel my sense of pride and sense of confidence slipping by me. What would I be made of then?

They said that in God, I am made perfect; He doesn’t care what I bring, as long as I just come home running. Yet, I feel so ashamed, because I am not making the full use of the tools that He has placed in my hands. I remain purposeless and when it comes to judgement day and He asked: ’so what have you done?’, I could only be befuddled and speechless at my idleness.

The reason why this space has been so quiet for almost 2 months is not because I’m really busy, but rather, I lack the courage to express the emotional truth in what I am feeling daily. Filling up the blog spaces with entries are not a hard task actually. I have lots of facts to write on, like how interesting my trip to wherever was or how well I am settling down here. However, I think that it would truly defeat the purpose of blogging, wouldn’t it?

I revamped my blog with the intention of tracking my growth in my spiritual journey. Obviously, the lack of posts would indicate limited sharing and hence implying the lack of growth. I wouldn’t say that I am not growing, but as compared to the years before when I was active, it is as good as zero growth.

I think that it takes lots of courage to truly put this all out right here, right now. Who knows, I may password lock this post, to the irony of most, is equivalent to writing to myself since very few people know the password and they hardly read my blog. However, I guess it doesn’t make much of a difference since the blogging trend has since died and with this space quiet for 2 months, it does put off many readers. So sorry to the two loyal readers that I know- this is one honest and long one for you.

Though before you click the word there, I would advise you to make sure that you have at least 20 minutes or more to spare to read and digest through whatever you are about to read. It’s not written for a casual glance. You’ve been warned!

Now, the real deal. I really don’t know how much to write hear because I do not know how much I want to reveal, but here goes.

Life after JC has been a downhill ride ever since I graduated. Of course, there are definitely some ups, but it does not hit as high as those times in college. I truly truly would love to return to those times where subconsciously, I knew that I was living with a purpose and in a plan that God has created for me that no matter what choices I made, it was within the boundaries of the path I was led to. I was attending a great church where I was so inspired by the passion that all the leaders had for Christ Jesus- it motivated me and encouraged me to keep the faith and fight the good fight. Of all my years as a Christian, I embraced church life, fellowship group and everything the most at that point in time. I wouldn’t say the fullest, no, because I was still not fully committed, but it was the most. Bottom line, I was fulfilled.

Then, two years down the road, having changed courses and university and attended a few other churches without feeling a sense of belonging, I honestly admit that I feel lost. Thank God that I am able to adapt here immediately after I transferred, like I’m always meant to be here, but that does not mean that the insides of me are screaming: ‘take me home take me home!’- home to at least where I know where I am headed to and what I am doing. I think that the question I need to address here is whether I ever regretted transferring- it’s hard to tell, since life back then was just starting and then I left. Whereas over here, I am having the opportunity to be exposed to many more cultural events and social activities and I guess that there’s always an unmeasurable trade-off in whatever decisions we make. Though that does not mean that I do not miss those days when I was there, the friends that I have left behind and the privilege of being in a well-equipped campus.

I am staying with my brother, of which, I roll my eyes at every envious comment. One thing about staying with family is that it does no good to my confidence- they will always treat me like I am an ignorant kid who know nonsense about stuff. There is also the lack of trust and high unrealistic expectations to meet that is just so stressful and suffocating. I miss the times where I have friends and we had the liberty of doing things that we like and exploring boundaries without judgement and laugh at all the stupid mistakes that we made. Yet, I made the decision to move partially to absolve my own expectations of having the family to spend more time together before having everyone being all separated to different parts of the world. Keeping in touch is never a strong point in my family. So now, I would have to bear with all the consequences, the good and the bad, since I have made this choice.

Ever since uni started, I have been so anxious on three things- 1. finding a church that I can be grounded to; 2. having good grades in uni; 3. be actively involved in a club in uni. As of now, despite the measures I have taken, congratulations, I have failed to settle any of these issues.

I am still church-hopping, feeling so doubtful and lost because of my high expectations- I don’t want just any church, I want to be in a church where I can find a family whom can support me and whom I can contribute to. In which I will be a member rather than a number. And most importantly, it’s where I finally dare to rip myself into pieces and open myself to be vulnerable and I would rather do it in front of people I know. Contrary to believe, I do cry, I do bleed, I am still a freaking woman who needs that strength and support from the rest of the world. I don’t want the fellowships where friendship is what is holding us together and going to church is just something that we happen to share in common. I want something more solid, more of a shared burning passion for God so that we can grow and encourage each other in this time where the world tends to lead us astray.

Having good grades in uni and being active in uni are just aims that are part and parcel of my ambitious nature. However, apparently, that is also becoming an issue since it is not as easy as it seems to get good grades here, with the subjects that I am taking (of which i don’t have the most passion in) and also that I am apparently, the only one that I know who seems to be kiasu enough to be far-sighted to be attending all the intimidating corporate events and applying for random positions in clubs. Again, you can say that my insecurities are derived from the fact that I am basing my confidence on how the world sees me, but then again, I am human. I wouldn’t mind doing this alone but it’d be great to have a tidbit of company.

Would I consider this as ranting, probably yes, but I think the key problem is that I am just so tired and frustrated about being alone. Well, it is my fault for having left the church that God has so happily led me to and I have so happily settled and grow for the year plus. It is my bad for not insisting to the end even when I have prayed and knew exactly what I was suppose to be doing at this point in time. Most importantly, I think for the first time in my life, I am beginning to realise that there needs to be a change in my life and yet, I am still stuck in my previous way of life that is not working for the situation that I am in. I do hope that I don’t sound ungrateful in this post. I am thankful for God’s faithfulness in my life, but I think that I ought to stop and look since I have currentlyno idea where this ship is headed to.

I am becoming, increasingly cynical and pessimistic that close friends will not usually be associate my personality with. Am I truly becoming the worse as the world is beginning to rub its perspective in me?

And since we’re at this point of being cynical, there’s always this option of blaming the world for stealing my friends away as I feel that we are not keeping in touch with them as often as we would want to. But as of this year, I realised that the desire for me to keep that connection, that friendship alive, is dying within me as well. In my circumstance, I can just happily settle with a very unmemorable uni life since it merely contains studies, random activities and random acquaintances that I meet but can never remember their names.

Of course, there’s always the option to fight. But today, I decide to not be so perfect and strong for once and let the encouragement flow in. I am not wanting sympathy, just knowledge that I still have people caring for me. As thick-skinned as it may sound, I think that everyone needs that once in a while. After all, the great thing about falling is so you know who’s at the end of the line to catch you, isn’t it?

If you were wondering why this site has been rather quiet for the last one month or so, it’s not because I have lost my passion for blogging; working is not even an excuse, but rather, there are so many things that I felt at that certain point in time, and it is so inconvenient that there is no computer at the immediate vicinity to allow me to type out my thoughts… Ok, so it still sounds like an excuse.

Firstly, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I think we all do hope that 2008 will be a great year ahead! (Who wishes a year to be bad anyway?) Personally, I really hope that 2008 will be a great year, especially having a not so good 2007 of which I can distinctively remember the low points and not many of the high points, if there were any.

Since I have not blogged for ages, please bear with me for this super long post. It is in replacement of a very long email and for anyone who is interested to past their time by getting to know my more to read. Be warned- not for those who are in a hurry!

How am I now? I have no idea where to begin- I have lost passion for my job, though being liable by the sense of responsibility, whatever I am doing now seems like a routine and I am beginning to find ways to cut corners, unconsciously- filing in a very sloppy manner, just ensuring that the paperwork is being filed disregarding the order it is suppose to be; waking up late for work, etc.. While God revealed to me that this is the answer to my prayer of serving Him- being responsible by helping my family, it just seems to me that the task is losing its significance.

I am so looking forward to the new university term. I guess, studying is always better than working in a way that it doesn’t stifle your social life. You can still bounce around like a teenager and worry about sprouting pimples during exam periods. Everything seems so solemn and serious at work, not giving rise to any opportunity for my boisterous energy to be released.

On that note, as most of you would already know, I have officially withdrawn from Uni of Auckland and transferring to Uni of Melbourne, for reasons which, to put it in summary, that it was suggested at the timing where I was feeling most disillusioned with uni life and fired by my ambitious nature. As of now, I have gotten my air tickets and accommodation confirmed, but as of yet, no confirmation of enrolment and visa in sight yet. Oh yeah, I am so going there to study despite not having the two most important things.

I am thankful to have safely endured 2007 and spent the first weekend of 2008 in Singapore. It was more of reliving memories than anything else. I don’t recall being particularly chatty to the groups of friends that I was with, it was more of observation than telling them of my interesting adventures in NZ. They all had their own conversations to catch up, of which, I have no idea how to contribute since it is a different experience. Besides, at the end of it, I was gladder to be there because I realised that it is their presence that mattered most. I felt so comfortable in their presence that silence didn’t really matter.

I had a great time catching up with individuals though, especially two people that I have shared a fantastic memory and voyage with 3 years ago and met up again after 2 years of who-knows-what-we-have-been-doing time. It was good to just reminisce all the hilarious things that we had done- the events and occasions that brought 4 very different individuals together. It really touched my heart the most to know that they are still the people whom I can talk almost anything to because of just that 3 weeks of living together. I also met up with a secondary school friend of mine who is currently studying in the US. It was good to gain a basic understanding of how life in New York is like. I am surprised that it is not as advanced that I thought it would be. I guess, the world is still small but big in various ways.

Just by merely looking back at the beautiful friendships that I’ve made over the last four years, I am just absolutely thankful for the blessings that I have received just by meeting the many fantastic individuals. They are the reason why I am who I am today- their love, support and encouragement are just priceless.

I would love to continue this post, but sleep beckons. I shall continue this with a reflection on my thoughts on listening to the first sermon of the year. I really thank God for leading me to FCBC.

I will be travelling to Hong Kong and will only be back on Thursday. So, keep a lookout for updates after Friday.

-I am in awed and grateful for God’s faithfulness and goodness in my life.-