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Part 1: Gratitude

If you were wondering why this site has been rather quiet for the last one month or so, it’s not because I have lost my passion for blogging; working is not even an excuse, but rather, there are so many things that I felt at that certain point in time, and it is so inconvenient that there is no computer at the immediate vicinity to allow me to type out my thoughts… Ok, so it still sounds like an excuse.

Firstly, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I think we all do hope that 2008 will be a great year ahead! (Who wishes a year to be bad anyway?) Personally, I really hope that 2008 will be a great year, especially having a not so good 2007 of which I can distinctively remember the low points and not many of the high points, if there were any.

Since I have not blogged for ages, please bear with me for this super long post. It is in replacement of a very long email and for anyone who is interested to past their time by getting to know my more to read. Be warned- not for those who are in a hurry!

Caged

They feed us and clothe us,
Provide a roof over our heads and money for us to spend.
This is love, or so they think-
The provision of materialistic comfort, love.

They don’t want us to wander too far off,
Fearing that they would lose the one thing they think they know,
Truth is, they do not know us, not at all.
What of us do they know that does not involve figures?

A relationship goes way beyond the things that we see.
It takes time, courage, trust;
And a whole lot of other intangible, unmeasurable things.
What of us are they holding onto?

How many sweet memories do we share?
How often do we look at each other in the eye?
Do we even listen to each other?
When did they last notice us?

*****

Apparently, we all have a sad story to tell. A story of family restrictions and the absurdity of keeping us physically near without much emotional commitments. Can our parents just take a look us right in the eye? I cannot remember the last time my family and I spent time doing something fun that does not involve spending money. All the holidays I went out to was all about individual activities. What happened to the beach or kite-flying? What happened to all those leisurely, take-a-walk-in-the-park kind of activities?

This is my greatest annoyance, yet, is not unique to me alone. Honestly, I have come to realised the importance about seeing someone, acknowledging their presence, lest we let time pass not knowing what happened to us at that particular moment. It has nothing to do with a poor memory, it just has to do with our eye, not registering it because it was not a focus.

The only thing I can remember about my older brother was how strict he is and how serious and in a way, wooden. I never came to know him as well as his friends did- his fun-loving nature, his capabilities. I knew none of that. I know that I admire him a lot, to the point where I am drawn to guys who have his stoic nature. But seriously, what do I know about him? I cannot remember any memories shared with him, it is nothing but a blank and lots of reverence, because of his seniority. Other than the same blood running through our veins, there is lacking of affection between us that could truly call us siblings.

What then, is our family relationship made of? I cried after the stimulation of ‘the end of the world’ because I realised that there was nothing between me and my family. I would cry out of passion even more if my close friends were gone, but what about my family? Is it just mere obligations? That is the irony of living in a conservative, collective Asian family- we may be united physically, but our hearts drift far from the truth.

One day, I will fly away and until I come to realise the importance of this family (that goes beyond financial dependence), I shall not return.

Work work..

It is my first week at work and I must thank God that I have it easy. One, being that it’s a small company, hence the setting is rather informal; Two, I have known the staff for quite some time so communication is not a problem. So far, I’m quite glad that I’m working, lest I face the computer 24/7, which totally sucks…

Anyway, it seems rather quiet now that most of my friends are all over the world. The friends I used to hang out with are now having great fun at the northern hemisphere. Furthermore, one thing I realised is that I won’t be seeing them for the next 3 years since our holidays don’t clash

I guess, before we know it, life just passes us by as we change…

Room for Lease

One bedroom for lease in Parkville, Melbourne.

- 10 mins walk away from tram. 15 mins tram ride to city.
- Nice quiet environment.
- Kind and considerate house mates.

Interested? Please leave your contact details at the comment’s area.

Up up and away…

And I’m back, after two weeks of vacation, back-to-back- first to Rotorua and second to Bangkok. I tell you, whoever said that vacations are relaxing is lying. You have to travel from east to west and be alert 24/7 because you are not familiar with the places and have to be wary of cunning con-people… However, I really enjoyed the scenery in Rotorua, totally breath-taking! Shopping in Bangkok was excellent too! I bought lots of stuff that’s of good quality and reasonable prices. My advice, if you ever want to go shopping- for anything at all, Thailand is YOUR destination. I have already made a mental note to return to Thailand again before I move into my new house. The utensils, furniture and need I say more, the clothes are a must buy there- good quality, wide range of choices and a good bargain. Ok, if I continue some more, I’ll be like some marketing person for the Thailand Tourism Authority or something. I’ll post up the photos soon though!
That aside, I’m home… Although I’m beginning to realise that this would no longer be my home. The ironic thing is that home is where you’re suppose to feel the most comfortable, loved and encouraged place; a place where you can just let go and not fear of anything. It is not the same with me- there is a lot of fear here, pressure and expectations, rules to comply in the best interest of my welfare… I know that time is running short, it is not long before I spread my wings and fly, far far away; question is, do I seize every opportunity and try to improve the crack in the relationship or do I just leave?

The most bizarre thing is that my dad is putting so much emphasis on keeping the family at one place, physically, that he neglected the most important part about what makes a family united- our souls as one. Now, I have a choice- to fulfil his ‘dream’ of having the family settled at one place, or do I establish my own self. I understand the difficulties of it, especially when I am still financially dependent on them, yet, I need to walk out of that restriction. As it has been three years ago, the only thing that is keeping me to my family is obligations and financial dependency- I no longer share their ideals nor their beliefs that we need money to survive… Now, what does that make me? An unfilial daughter? A money-sucking parasite? You tell me.

If you knew that you have a destiny to fulfil, would you abide by your family’s wishes and go against it, or would you give up everything and just go for it? We have heard stories of heroes who went against their families to pursue their passion, to realise their dreams. I find that the hardest thing in my life now- picking up my cross, forgoing everything I have ever held on in my life and just go. Of all the brave fronts I have put, this is my weakest point- to take that step out of my very foundation and to plunge into the unknown.

Let’s talk about…

It’s the end of the exams! Honestly, I have no idea whether I have the stamina and discipline to keep on like this for every 6 months of the next 3 years. I had to write four essays today, and by the time I reached my third essay, I was already distracted, looking forward to the end of the session, to my lunch, to my packing…

The fire alarm rang 8 minutes to the end of my exams. Of course I was upset, firstly, it delayed my escape from the exam hall; secondly, 8 more minutes! I have just that few more sentences and I don’t ever need to see it again! It wasn’t mcq too, no point discussing with your course mates anyway… Lol… but seriously, I do not understand why people cheat. You ought to value your work for all the effort you put in. I’m not trying to practice cognitive dissonance and providing a effort-justification excuse, but for all the blood sweat and tears that you’ve poured out, it must definitely be worth something.

A short note on the exams- I have never studied so hard for an exam before (but that’s what I say for every exam)! Staying at the library for 5 hours each day, pouring through different books on top of the prescribed text to get the best information ever. Seriously, if I were to rate the seriousness of my attitude towards the exams, as of now, this one would top it all. I wanna thank God for His presence throughout the exam period, keeping me going during my studies such that I will not be too distracted. I wasn’t even nervous but felt confidently prepared. I guess the one verse that could so aptly described my situation would be Proverbs 21:31: ‘The horse is made ready for the day of the battle, but victory rests with the Lord.’ Truly, 100% man, 100% God. Hopefully, the results will reflect so too, but I have confidence that it wouldn’t go too badly.

I had a great lunch today! Omeu rice, basically, omelette wrapped fried rice. The rice was also fried in an interesting way- beef! Ooh… I was really satisfied! My friend bought me lunch It was a really kind gesture, especially when the reason was that I probably wouldn’t be here next year. I think that treating someone to a good meal is a very nice way to appreciate someone. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a home-cooked meal or a simple meal, it doesn’t need to be elaborate, just good tasting food and a nice conversation would be sufficient to make any meet-up memorable.

I was just looking through my photo collection just now and realised that most of my photos are usually just made up of other people… Well, I have already realised that I am hardly in photos, but when u need resources, it does get kinda frustrating. Oh well, I’ll work around it.

My bro is heading to Auckland this Monday! I am really excited, haha… been telling everyone of my cute little bro. Ok, I am a sister who adores her annoying little brother. Big boss came for a holiday too (he is currently in the country) and so did my cousin, last few weeks. It is really exciting to meet familiar faces again! Somehow, we carry our stories in our friends. Each one of them hold a piece to your past and having to meet them is like reuniting with part of yourself I am being sentimental, but then again, I’m heading home soon!

*****

Don’t you always wonder why you never fall for the right person?
Or that when you think that the right person is never there.
Perhaps he’s already there. Perhaps.

Mr. Right may not be perfect at first glance,
But that’s what love’s all about.
Love transforms people.

Trust in the Lord

‘Trust in the Lord
and lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him
And He will make your paths straight.’

Trust in me, that I’ve got your back in EVERY stituation.

Trust in me, that EVERY step you take, I’ll be there.

Trust in me, that EVERY decision you make, that it will turn out alright.

Trust in me, I have plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future.

Trust in me, I have your best interest at heart.

Trust in me.

Just, TRUST.